2 months

Has it already been 2 months? WOW!  Can't believe I have already been back to work for two weeks now and have done 2 agility seminars.  Already back running and even got to run outside for the first time in forever yesterday.  Looking like we might have an early fall which is fine by me.  This heat has been horrible this year and I have felt like a sloth!  I can't believe how much andrew has changed in these two months.  He now interacts with you, smiling and laughing and cooing.  Thanks to daycare he sleeps more at night and less during the day.  Every once in a while he sleeps alot during the day, like today but I guess that means he is growing.  He is now 12.5 lbs and 22.5 inches!

I have had two seminars and Deuce has done surprisingly well.  I figured it would take us a while to get back into things but he has been doing great.  I guess the 3 months off did him well.  He has been running very mature, less stressed and more driven.  We did Lori's euro seminar which was very interesting to say the least since I had had about 4 hours of sleep the night before.  I loaded up on caffeine for the drive down but was super concerned about the drive home.  It is about a 2 hour drive so   I bought some 5 hour energy drink and called my mom for the drive home.  I was very pleased at the fact that I stayed awake the entire day, wasn't too sore and made it home in one piece!  I was told at that time the Ann B clinic still had openings and because so many didn't get in on the upper level day that they were allowing upper level people to take working spots on the lower level day.  I snatched up a spot as quick as I could and I am so glad that i did.  Again, the theme was international and we did tons of backsides, blinds, swishys, and threadles.  Deuce was such a good boy and I felt like we were really clicking as a team.  I am SUPER excited to show him over labor day weekend.  We are doing a three day show and I am bringing andrew.  Managed to talk my mom into driving up to help me and we are getting a hotel really close to the show site.  I feel so much more comfortable with her being there.  My biggest fears were him being hungry and wanting to eat when I need to run or walk a course or be leaving for the show and now I don't have to worry about that.  I am sure we are going to learn alot about this first show as far as what I need to bring or how to do bottles.  Going to try and get him to sleep in his pack and play and going to try and do some room temp bottles.  Did buy a bottle warmer for the car just in case.

Anyway, getting super excited for this first show.  I feel like Deuce and I are in a good spot and I feel like Andrew is getting to the point where I don't worry so much about changing his routine or having him in different locations.  Again, I have learned so much in these 2 months and I continue to learn!

What a difference

What a difference a month makes!  I have learned so much about being a mom.  I have learned to let go of some things and to embrace others.  I have one more week of maternity leave and I am actually pretty sad.  While I miss getting to be around other adults humans, I will so miss cuddling and playing with andrew but sadly I know we cannot afford for me not to work.  The dogs are really going to miss me being home.  When andrew naps, we go out and throw the ball over and over again.  When I go back, they go back to being crated during the day:(  Andrew is doing better at sleeping at night and during the day cat napping.  It's funny, the more I try and enforce a routine with him, the more he rebels.  I see a fun teenager at some point.  I am learning to not get too upset and let him set the pace and go with the flow.  So far, knock on wood, at night, he is going 4 to 5 hours between feeding.  Now that doesn't mean I am getting that much sleep because he is having some reflux issues so I have to hold him upright at least 20 minute post feeding, if not longer.  I am getting 6 or so hours of chopped up sleep but last night, i got five continuous hours and today I feel so rejuvenated!  Tony also helps on the weekend by taking him for his late morning bottle and letting me sleep.  I have to watch out though because I can over sleep and then get too caught up.

Tomorrow will be a big day.  I have my first all day agility seminar in which I will be gone from him all day.  Tony is going to take care of him and I know he can but it makes me nervous.  I have been with him all day every day for 5 weeks straight so it will be tough BUT I am ready to get back to agility.  I am hoping deuce isn't too much of a hot mess tomorrow.  He has pretty much been off since April so three months and I am hoping the time off helped us rather than hurt us.  Before I had to stop running, we were SO close to getting some doubles so I am hoping we can get back on that trail.  He has stayed in good shape playing ball and jumping on and off of our deck a million times with his sis stella.  He is perfect weight and I hope a little bit more mature.  I did have to pull him from regionals but I think i made a good decision as we are not going to nationals anyway so what is the purpose.  I am also seeing the doctor for my 6 week check up next week.  I am hoping he will give me the green light to get back to running.  I will have to take it slow as my body is still re-couperating and still isn't 100% but I am going to go back through the couch to 5 K or the couch to 10 K program so it will be a slow reintroduction anyway.  I am hoping to get back to some 5 ks this fall and then maybe a half next year.

Quickly!

Trying to blog as quick as I can.  Andrew is asleep in his bouncy seat which is a miracle.  My little baby has become a little needy lately and I will admit, I have had a hard time adapting.  He is going through a, you have to hold me all the time or I will scream bloody murder phase.  I do think we are slowly going out of it though because just today he has napped twice in something other than my arms (hence the blog) and last night he slept next to me in bed on the mattress versus in my arms.  Yes, I have chosen to co-sleep.  Was this the plan, HELL NO!  I had this vision of him being this perfect little angel that slept through the night as soon as we got home from the hospital in his crib and in his bassinet during the day and boy has that been anything farther from the truth.  I will have to say I have learned so much.  Much more on what not to do but alot of what to do.  I am a researcher so I research everything.  Probably too much, but knowledge makes me feel better.  Even if it is wrong.  Trying to still adapt to the whole you have to do this now or it won't get done mentality too.  Napping when the sun is still out is hard too.  I have found that I do better at napping in the morning because it is like sleeping late, which I loved to do pre baby.  And now, he is awake so have to go!!!!

Back in the saddle again

All of the shows are opening up right now.  I hate trying to make decisions on how things will be or be going months from now.  So far I have entered regionals in KC and Triune in KC and plan on entering Carthage and Agility Ability.  Past that I have no clue.  I want to go to Omaha but thoughts of my van breaking down on those back roads that I have to take to get there with a baby  in the van  just don't sound very appealing to me.  But who knows, by then he may be fine to leave for three days with his daddy.  Unfortuntaely i have to make decisions now.  Most of these shows won't fill but I figured Carthage and Triune would so had to go ahead and enter.  May have to eat some fees or pull but wanted to get entered anyway.  Deuce and I need to get back in the saddle.  He has had a nice long break and now it is time to get back to it.  I seriously think that tulsa and nationals aren't going to work but who knows where it will be next year so we need to get back in shape for the new qualifying period.  Funny, alot of people told me shows wouldn't be as important to me after the baby or that i would quit.  I haven't lost any of the desire I had previous to baby for showing or for my goals.  I worry about how it is going to be taking him to shows or being gone but not to the point where I am not entering at all.  This is my hobby and my passion.  I hope when andrew gets big enough that he can share in that love and passion.  I hope by taking him as a baby that he will grow to love it, not hate it.

Go with the flow

This is a blog about letting go.  I have sat down numerous times to write it and always deleted it or got up and walked away from it but here goes.  I am saying good bye to my former self.  I am sure she will come back at some point but right now she has to take an extended vacation.  My new self is a go with the flow kind of girl.  No routines planned, no schedules to adhere to, just go with the flow.  My hubby is much like this and I think that is why he is adapting to having the baby so much better than I am.  He flies by the seat of his pants in life and that suits him (and drives me nuts).  I am a mega planner.  My life is planned down to the nth degree.  I seriously have four or five calenders all filled out with every detail of my life.  When I had the baby, I read all the books, wrote down on the log sheet religiously and tried to hard to get into a routine.  What i learned was the harder I tried, the more off routine I got and the more stressed I got.  I am now letting all of that go.  Stress is not good for me or the baby.  Yes, I only have three maybe four more weeks before I go back to work and yes I can't do research on a couple of hours of sleep but my job is flexible, I can work at different hours so why stress about it?  So what if my food gets cold because we didn't plan our meals around the baby's schedule?  So what if we don't get to take our planned trip to wally world?  I have this wonderful little guy who is new to this world and trying to figure things out so why not relax and go with the flow and let him?

Okay to make this dog related:)  So in the theme of schedules, I have to tell you that my dogs have been fed at 5:30 am for years.  We did have that amount of time when the hubby had to get up at 4 am to drive to salina and they insisited they were up and needed breakfast.  Took us forever to break the 4 am habit but we finally did.  Well, we are battling them insisting since I am up feeding the baby that they should be fed.  It wouldn't be so bad but Miller has a BIG mouth and when he barks, he can wake the dead.  I had the baby on a 5 am bottle schedule for a while and then I would feed them after he had his bottle but now they think just because I am up, they should be fed right then.  I have been letting them out on the way to warm the baby's bottle but this is not good enough for miller.  I am now wishing I was like that octopus in the commercial for some product that had eight arms and could do eight things at once.

Giving up

I don't say those words very often but there they are.  Sorry, this isn't agility related but I will try to weave some doginess in somewhere.  I have really been struggling with breast feeding.  Read all the books, took all the classes and was fully prepared once again to be one of those moms who breast fed.  Most of the moms I know have all breast fed so it must be easy right?  WRONG!  The first obstacle I faced was that I had a c section which screws everything up. The second obstacle I encountered was that my milk would not come in.  We tried everything including herbs and pumping round the clock but it just wouldn't happen the way it should.  It came in but not the degree we needed.  By the time it was established, he was drinking 2 maybe 3 oz per sitting and I was only producing 2 oz total per sitting.  Plus I was battling some issues with other things I won't go into but let's just say my poor nipples were cracked, sore and bleeding on a regular basis,  no matter what I was doing to help them.  Unfortunately, we have no clue why I couldn't make milk and I am now in the process of letting what little bit I had dry up which is SUPER painful.  I have a doctor's appointment on tuesday and I am hoping if it hasn't dried up that he can give me something to help.

Let me tell you, this has been the hardest few days of my life. Add no sleep to having to make a major decision in your life and you get super emotional.  I was already having crying jags due to hormones but when I was trying to decide whether or not to continue to breast feed, I was a crying wreck.  Not sure what my hang up was with giving up other than I just don't give up as a whole.  Of course formula is an added expense but a box of powdered formula goes so far and the options out there are endless.  Not to mention with formula, anybody can bottle feed him so I am not tied to him meaning I can teach and I can work without worrying about pumping.  So really and truthfully it was a no brainer but i could not let go.  I missed the snuggling, the ease of just popping him on a breast versus getting a bottle ready, and the closeness that feeding brings. I did not miss the pain and bleeding though!  But as I said, I just couldn't let go.  I had been corresponding regularly with the lactation consultant from the hospital and I was worried about letting her down.  I was worried about being judged that I didn't try enough options.  There was a supplemental feeding option which was available but I just couldn't see myself taping a tube to my baby's face and feeding him via syringe and breast.  I would need help every time I fed and I am trying to become independent with feeding, especially night feeding.

In the end I gave up.  I surrendered to the ease of the bottle, to the ease of being able to have everyone feed him and help.  It has been so nice.  He actually slept great last night and only woke me up 3 times which is perfect.  We actually have him on some sort of schedule right now.  I hope it holds.  It is perfect for when tony and I get up and go to work so finger's crossed.  

Now to make it dog related.  The dogs are so happy their grammy is here.  This makes me happy.  They LOVE her and she loves them.  This is one of my most favorite pictures ever!

Living in the moment

Man, been away too long.  Logged in and had a ton of my favorite blogs to catch up on.  Been an emotional time for me.  Just had my first baby and boy are my hormones ALL over the map.  Pretty much been a crying mess since I got home from the hospital.  Granted everything went really well, really really well.  C-sections are the bomb!  It was quick, I felt no pain (then of course:), and I was done and in recovery.  I am sore now and on all sorts of drugs, but it was worth it.  Little andrew came into this world on June 12th, 2012 weighing 6 lbs, 14 ozs and being 18 inches long.  We were all really shocked that he was so little.  I felt huge and my doctor felt like he was huge but he came out super small.  I stayed in the hospital for 3 days and got discharged early.  I was ready to get out, felt caged in.  I like walking around with andrew and that wasn't allowed outside of the room and the rooms were tiny.  I probably should have stayed one more night but I didn't.  It was super nice to have the nurses there for help and to take him to the nursery if we needed a break but my mom had to leave every night at 8 and I was missing having her around.

My mom.  What can I say, she is a god send and I will never be able to pay her back ever for all the work she has done while she has been here.  She came a couple of weeks before the due date (before we knew he was going to be a c section) and is staying for three or so weeks post delivery.   She has cooked, cleaned, laundried, and wore the dogs out for me daily.  She has let me nap when I needed to and hugged me when I cried and yes I have cried a ton.  Damn hormones are wearing me out.  Thus the name of the blog, live in the moment.  I am trying to do that right now because instead of worrying about everything and the future, I am trying to stay in the moment.  It really reminds me of agility.  We tend to get caught up in so much other things that we don't stay in the moment and cherish what is happening right then.  I start worrying about stupid stuff like when my mom is leaving and when i have to go back to work and when this and that when I need to just cherish each sleepless wonderful night with my little man.  I love late at night when it is just he and I, and he is wide awake just staring into my face.  I am doing all the night shift work as tony is going back to work and I want him to get good sleep.  Last night was a tough night, he was up every hour on the hour wanting either food or his diaper changed.  Plus, I am having to pump every couple of hours because my milk hasn't come in yet and we are trying to encourage it before we give up and go full formula.  I am a worry wort just like i am with my dogs.  Is he getting enough food, is this brand of formula right for him, is he sleeping/pooping/peeing enough?  We as new parents tend to want to hold him all the time so I worry about that.  Heck I worry about worrying sometimes.  I have been trying to call and talk to all of my mommy friends and I have found that they all went through this too and talking to them helps me to work through what i am going through.  They all say the same thing, live in the moment.