Hey Ho

Here I sit at work, desperately trying to stay awake and thinking of two things, my baby and my dogs.  I miss both of them so much when I am at work but someone has to pay the bills other than just my hubby.  I do love my job, don't get me wrong.  I do think I would go crazy if I didn't work.  I like to be mentally challenged and while I would love to have more time at home with the baby and dogs, I think I would really, really miss science.  I have been dusting off the old resume here lately, getting ready just in case we don't get funded.  Our grant was denied the first round but we were allowed a re submit so we are just waiting to see what happens now.  I sure will miss this job.  It has been a great job for the past 8 years. My boss is very supportive of my addictions and has allowed me to go to several nationals, be gone on maternity leave for 7 weeks and allowed me to leave early for countless dog/child related events.  She even let me work full time here and part time at a vet's office to gain experience with other breeds of dogs.  She puts up with alot.  Like me blogging at work:)  My job has down time though when we are waiting for pcr or waiting for gels to run or waiting for stains to develop so it isn't like I am putting off something I should be doing to write this.

Anyway, been battling some thoughts lately and thought I would write them down.  Sad right now really.  Reading everyone's excitement about nationals and wishing I was going.  Deuce did qualify for team and grand prix and this year would have been just a fun learning experience for him.  I was hoping to do USDAA and AKC nationals but without hook ups for RVs, USDAA nationals became a distant thought and then the fact that I had to lay out of shows for so long thanks to getting so big and deuce getting sick has diminished our chances of going to AKC nationals in Tulsa.  There still is a glimmer of hope but it is tiny.  I have had this sick little feeling in the back of my mind, just give it all up.  Why are you still doing this?  You don't have time to train, you don't have money to spend to go to more shows, you can't expect to reach the goals you have on just one or two shows a month and NO training time.  But I love it and I love my friends and would miss them so much.  I like having goals.  They keep me going, keep me in the game.  I don't know what I would do without them.  I also have been thinking about not teaching anymore.  My class sizes have dwindled, there are other trainers in town now that are closer to most  of my student's homes and I can't teach more than one night a week with the baby.  This makes it hard to please students and their crazy schedules.  I would love to go back to teaching two nights a week but i just can't.  Hubby's schedule has been all over the place lately and I can't ask that he can take care of andrew more than one night a week.  His work is very different than mine, much better salary but lots of crazy hours with overtime which is great money but it means he is gone alot and he can't say no.  Say no once and you will be looked over forever when it comes to over time work and over time pay is AMAZING:)  Can you say 64 bucks an hour?  Momma likes but it means momma has to be momma all the time and can't be dog trainer.  I would miss my students so much too.  I love them and the progress they have made in the few years I have been teaching them.  I love seeing them competing now and being successful and thinking that I had a small part in where they are today and where they are going.  Okay now I feel like I am going to cry.  Stupid cold medicines are making me loopy!

Okay through with my pity party.  Thanks for listening or should I say reading.  Got this crap out of my head, now I can go on with my life.  If I could ever get rid of this stupid cold I picked up, I could have a beer and chill and just let all of this go.  Writing it down helps, makes me look at it and laugh and think, stop whining you silly girl!