Go with the flow

This is a blog about letting go.  I have sat down numerous times to write it and always deleted it or got up and walked away from it but here goes.  I am saying good bye to my former self.  I am sure she will come back at some point but right now she has to take an extended vacation.  My new self is a go with the flow kind of girl.  No routines planned, no schedules to adhere to, just go with the flow.  My hubby is much like this and I think that is why he is adapting to having the baby so much better than I am.  He flies by the seat of his pants in life and that suits him (and drives me nuts).  I am a mega planner.  My life is planned down to the nth degree.  I seriously have four or five calenders all filled out with every detail of my life.  When I had the baby, I read all the books, wrote down on the log sheet religiously and tried to hard to get into a routine.  What i learned was the harder I tried, the more off routine I got and the more stressed I got.  I am now letting all of that go.  Stress is not good for me or the baby.  Yes, I only have three maybe four more weeks before I go back to work and yes I can't do research on a couple of hours of sleep but my job is flexible, I can work at different hours so why stress about it?  So what if my food gets cold because we didn't plan our meals around the baby's schedule?  So what if we don't get to take our planned trip to wally world?  I have this wonderful little guy who is new to this world and trying to figure things out so why not relax and go with the flow and let him?

Okay to make this dog related:)  So in the theme of schedules, I have to tell you that my dogs have been fed at 5:30 am for years.  We did have that amount of time when the hubby had to get up at 4 am to drive to salina and they insisited they were up and needed breakfast.  Took us forever to break the 4 am habit but we finally did.  Well, we are battling them insisting since I am up feeding the baby that they should be fed.  It wouldn't be so bad but Miller has a BIG mouth and when he barks, he can wake the dead.  I had the baby on a 5 am bottle schedule for a while and then I would feed them after he had his bottle but now they think just because I am up, they should be fed right then.  I have been letting them out on the way to warm the baby's bottle but this is not good enough for miller.  I am now wishing I was like that octopus in the commercial for some product that had eight arms and could do eight things at once.

Giving up

I don't say those words very often but there they are.  Sorry, this isn't agility related but I will try to weave some doginess in somewhere.  I have really been struggling with breast feeding.  Read all the books, took all the classes and was fully prepared once again to be one of those moms who breast fed.  Most of the moms I know have all breast fed so it must be easy right?  WRONG!  The first obstacle I faced was that I had a c section which screws everything up. The second obstacle I encountered was that my milk would not come in.  We tried everything including herbs and pumping round the clock but it just wouldn't happen the way it should.  It came in but not the degree we needed.  By the time it was established, he was drinking 2 maybe 3 oz per sitting and I was only producing 2 oz total per sitting.  Plus I was battling some issues with other things I won't go into but let's just say my poor nipples were cracked, sore and bleeding on a regular basis,  no matter what I was doing to help them.  Unfortunately, we have no clue why I couldn't make milk and I am now in the process of letting what little bit I had dry up which is SUPER painful.  I have a doctor's appointment on tuesday and I am hoping if it hasn't dried up that he can give me something to help.

Let me tell you, this has been the hardest few days of my life. Add no sleep to having to make a major decision in your life and you get super emotional.  I was already having crying jags due to hormones but when I was trying to decide whether or not to continue to breast feed, I was a crying wreck.  Not sure what my hang up was with giving up other than I just don't give up as a whole.  Of course formula is an added expense but a box of powdered formula goes so far and the options out there are endless.  Not to mention with formula, anybody can bottle feed him so I am not tied to him meaning I can teach and I can work without worrying about pumping.  So really and truthfully it was a no brainer but i could not let go.  I missed the snuggling, the ease of just popping him on a breast versus getting a bottle ready, and the closeness that feeding brings. I did not miss the pain and bleeding though!  But as I said, I just couldn't let go.  I had been corresponding regularly with the lactation consultant from the hospital and I was worried about letting her down.  I was worried about being judged that I didn't try enough options.  There was a supplemental feeding option which was available but I just couldn't see myself taping a tube to my baby's face and feeding him via syringe and breast.  I would need help every time I fed and I am trying to become independent with feeding, especially night feeding.

In the end I gave up.  I surrendered to the ease of the bottle, to the ease of being able to have everyone feed him and help.  It has been so nice.  He actually slept great last night and only woke me up 3 times which is perfect.  We actually have him on some sort of schedule right now.  I hope it holds.  It is perfect for when tony and I get up and go to work so finger's crossed.  

Now to make it dog related.  The dogs are so happy their grammy is here.  This makes me happy.  They LOVE her and she loves them.  This is one of my most favorite pictures ever!

Living in the moment

Man, been away too long.  Logged in and had a ton of my favorite blogs to catch up on.  Been an emotional time for me.  Just had my first baby and boy are my hormones ALL over the map.  Pretty much been a crying mess since I got home from the hospital.  Granted everything went really well, really really well.  C-sections are the bomb!  It was quick, I felt no pain (then of course:), and I was done and in recovery.  I am sore now and on all sorts of drugs, but it was worth it.  Little andrew came into this world on June 12th, 2012 weighing 6 lbs, 14 ozs and being 18 inches long.  We were all really shocked that he was so little.  I felt huge and my doctor felt like he was huge but he came out super small.  I stayed in the hospital for 3 days and got discharged early.  I was ready to get out, felt caged in.  I like walking around with andrew and that wasn't allowed outside of the room and the rooms were tiny.  I probably should have stayed one more night but I didn't.  It was super nice to have the nurses there for help and to take him to the nursery if we needed a break but my mom had to leave every night at 8 and I was missing having her around.

My mom.  What can I say, she is a god send and I will never be able to pay her back ever for all the work she has done while she has been here.  She came a couple of weeks before the due date (before we knew he was going to be a c section) and is staying for three or so weeks post delivery.   She has cooked, cleaned, laundried, and wore the dogs out for me daily.  She has let me nap when I needed to and hugged me when I cried and yes I have cried a ton.  Damn hormones are wearing me out.  Thus the name of the blog, live in the moment.  I am trying to do that right now because instead of worrying about everything and the future, I am trying to stay in the moment.  It really reminds me of agility.  We tend to get caught up in so much other things that we don't stay in the moment and cherish what is happening right then.  I start worrying about stupid stuff like when my mom is leaving and when i have to go back to work and when this and that when I need to just cherish each sleepless wonderful night with my little man.  I love late at night when it is just he and I, and he is wide awake just staring into my face.  I am doing all the night shift work as tony is going back to work and I want him to get good sleep.  Last night was a tough night, he was up every hour on the hour wanting either food or his diaper changed.  Plus, I am having to pump every couple of hours because my milk hasn't come in yet and we are trying to encourage it before we give up and go full formula.  I am a worry wort just like i am with my dogs.  Is he getting enough food, is this brand of formula right for him, is he sleeping/pooping/peeing enough?  We as new parents tend to want to hold him all the time so I worry about that.  Heck I worry about worrying sometimes.  I have been trying to call and talk to all of my mommy friends and I have found that they all went through this too and talking to them helps me to work through what i am going through.  They all say the same thing, live in the moment.