Giving up

I don't say those words very often but there they are.  Sorry, this isn't agility related but I will try to weave some doginess in somewhere.  I have really been struggling with breast feeding.  Read all the books, took all the classes and was fully prepared once again to be one of those moms who breast fed.  Most of the moms I know have all breast fed so it must be easy right?  WRONG!  The first obstacle I faced was that I had a c section which screws everything up. The second obstacle I encountered was that my milk would not come in.  We tried everything including herbs and pumping round the clock but it just wouldn't happen the way it should.  It came in but not the degree we needed.  By the time it was established, he was drinking 2 maybe 3 oz per sitting and I was only producing 2 oz total per sitting.  Plus I was battling some issues with other things I won't go into but let's just say my poor nipples were cracked, sore and bleeding on a regular basis,  no matter what I was doing to help them.  Unfortunately, we have no clue why I couldn't make milk and I am now in the process of letting what little bit I had dry up which is SUPER painful.  I have a doctor's appointment on tuesday and I am hoping if it hasn't dried up that he can give me something to help.

Let me tell you, this has been the hardest few days of my life. Add no sleep to having to make a major decision in your life and you get super emotional.  I was already having crying jags due to hormones but when I was trying to decide whether or not to continue to breast feed, I was a crying wreck.  Not sure what my hang up was with giving up other than I just don't give up as a whole.  Of course formula is an added expense but a box of powdered formula goes so far and the options out there are endless.  Not to mention with formula, anybody can bottle feed him so I am not tied to him meaning I can teach and I can work without worrying about pumping.  So really and truthfully it was a no brainer but i could not let go.  I missed the snuggling, the ease of just popping him on a breast versus getting a bottle ready, and the closeness that feeding brings. I did not miss the pain and bleeding though!  But as I said, I just couldn't let go.  I had been corresponding regularly with the lactation consultant from the hospital and I was worried about letting her down.  I was worried about being judged that I didn't try enough options.  There was a supplemental feeding option which was available but I just couldn't see myself taping a tube to my baby's face and feeding him via syringe and breast.  I would need help every time I fed and I am trying to become independent with feeding, especially night feeding.

In the end I gave up.  I surrendered to the ease of the bottle, to the ease of being able to have everyone feed him and help.  It has been so nice.  He actually slept great last night and only woke me up 3 times which is perfect.  We actually have him on some sort of schedule right now.  I hope it holds.  It is perfect for when tony and I get up and go to work so finger's crossed.  

Now to make it dog related.  The dogs are so happy their grammy is here.  This makes me happy.  They LOVE her and she loves them.  This is one of my most favorite pictures ever!