The final shindig of the year

I was hoping to end this dog show year on a good note.  This year has surely been full of ups and downs.  Many emotions (and hormones) making me re evaluate my goals, my wants, my desires.  I have talked to many people about many angles from quitting agility to doing more and to teaching more and of course less which directly affects my ability to go to shows.  I have changed things around to make them fit in my life, just doing one dog show a month, teaching on weekends versus weeknights, and taking andrew with me to many of the shows so I don't miss him so terribly much.  I have tried to be happy with the small things, the good parts to every run, the good training runs, the online class I was taking, the students who stuck with me and made changes in their schedules so I could continue teaching.  Yet here I am, not anymore happy or fulfilled, still not knowing what to do or why.  Teaching is done for the winter, that was a no brainer.  Students, unless they are hardcore like me, usually don't appreciate doing course work in the freezing cold.  So that is on hold till next spring unless we have a really unusually mild winter.  Still thinking about workshops, trying to get some money coming in for shows.  Shows will be less through the winter, mainly because money will be tight, but also because I don't drive in winter weather.  Going to enter the January one in Lawrence, because it is so close and only two days.  Going to try and take a class with my friends and keep deuce in some sort of shape through the winter.  Really, really want to do USDAA in february.  But this all takes money and if none is coming in, well, then that might settle it.  Poor hubby is working like a dog right now with no end in sight.  Trying to get some bills paid off and trying to get some padding in the savings account.  Sadly, i think it will yet be another goaless year in 2014. More having fun, just being in the moment.  Okay so to talk about this weekend.

So normally when I have andrew, I don't enter friday so I can travel that day and take my time. When I entered this show, I had planned on camping with barb and not having andrew.  Closer till time, plans changed and I was to have andrew with me while hubby worked. I decided, rather than drag him in the car at 4 am to get down to wichita, we would just sleep till our normal time, head on down after doing some running around and hope for the best.  Got one run in, standard, with one refusal, my fault.  I had walked chute going into 180  of jumps with a rear but i got there faster than I thought I would and reverted to a front which caused him to not see the jump at all.  Stupid handler.  This seemed to be the theme for the weekend and I an not sure why.  Was not nervous, just made some stupid handling mistakes.  Same in standard the next day, did a blind off of the a-frame to the weaves and I guess he just didn't see them.  I thought all the work we did with the 2 x 2s caused him to seek out the weaves but i guess  that wore off.   Same story, different verse in JWW on sunday, did a three jump lead out, went to FC, did it too early and pulled him around a jump.  Now If I had wanted him to NOT take that jump, i am sure he would have:) I knew as soon as I rotated that i had screwed up.  Glad I kept my foul language in check.  I think i said something like, "and I am screwed".  The rest of the course was fast and flawless.  Even though he side stepped the jump, his YPS was in the high 6s which is awesome for a little aussie like deuce!.

Overall, we only had one really bad run and one bad walk of shame run.  He decimated the double (first obstacle in T2b) on sunday and I pulled him off and got a nice verbal correction.  He missed his weaves in standard on sunday so got a nice verbal correction in there too and got him back but then he lost it again further down the course and I had to pull him because he was just out of it.  In his defense, or maybe i shouldn't say it that way but, there were three dogs in heat at the trial.  One coming in crated next to him, one in that was kept in the car away from the other dogs, and one that was kept in the worker's room but was in and out of the show site.  Now, I expect him to work through these issues but you could tell sunday that his brain was not there.  He actually did two things very unlike him.  One, he sat in his crate and barked and whined pretty much till we left, with me correcting him and others yelling at him and covering him.  This was with many bathroom breaks to make sure he was okay in that department, which he was.  He was VERY concerned about andrew all that day, to the point of growling and lunging at another dog approaching andrew's stroller.  He has never done that, usually does not have a mean bone in his little wiggly body.  He is the most submissive intact male dog that i have ever met.  I guess in his defense, with all things considered, he did pretty well to keep it together.  Heck, my brain wasn't totally in it either.  Andrew had pretty much gone on a food strike friday morning and ate basically grapes and fig newtons all weekend.  And some spinach artichoke dip.  So fruits and veggies are good right?  He slept good at night, had a several whiny movements at the restaurant friday night and at the hotel saturday night but overall he was good.

 So why am I disappointed?  I am trying to be so many things right now, a mom, an agility competitor and a runner and I feel like I am failing in all departments, yes even in running right now. I wanted to end this agility year on a high, not a low.  Being removed from the show a day, I have been able to focus more on the good things and remember how awesome a few of his runs were from start to finish, minus my stupid mistakes.  I feel bad for letting him down.  I feel bad for my friends for having to deal with me and a toddler all weekend.  I had a huge pity party saturday when I decided to not subject the group to a whiny toddler and not go have huge margaritas but instead do the mommy thing and take him to mcdonalds (that has a huge indoor play area that sadly was not made for kids his age) and try and eat some nasty greasy food and get him to eat as well.  I just feel like I can't do both agility shows and be a mom and have a good time with my friends and I am just not okay with that.  I hated the way i felt all weekend, being selfish and wanting to be with my friends and feeling sorry for myself.  I have this wonderful, although right now strong willed busy bodied toddler that I love.  I need to be in the moment, even if that means no more shows for me for a while.  It's killing me inside to fight these emotions but that is where I am at right now.  Something is going to have to give and I don't want it to be my hubby's job or for me to go to show after show and have a bad experience and feel horrible.  I started packing stuff up saturday night because I just couldn't take andrew not eating and being fussy and wanted to be home.  I don't like feeling that way.  I think my plan of attack is going to be entering what little shows I can and if my hubby has to work that weekend, pulling from the show, even if his plans change and he doesn't work.  I would rather do that than enter and go and be miserable.

On to the topic of running.  I am done with my two weeks of recovery.  I took it very easy the first week and just did a 3 mile and then a race that saturday.  This last week, I did three runs, a 4, a 3 and a 4.7.  Wanted to run yesterday but I hadn't eaten thanks to andrew not eating and not allowing me to eat so I didn't think that was wise. Looking forward to running a full four days with a long run this week and getting back into the groove.