regionals

I knew this would happen.  If I had entered, I would be sitting here right now stressing about how I was going to miss my baby and how I was going to dread leaving and on and on.  Instead, I am sitting here looking at the running order and wishing I had entered.  This is the daily struggle i go through now. The new normal = mommy guilt.  I feel it no matter what i do.  I thought by having my nights free and having classes on the weekend for a couple of hours that i would have less.  I did, for about a day. Then it crept up again.  Think of all the things you could be doing with andrew on a sunday afternoon! Think of all the things you will miss by not being with him!  Then the oh shit i need money for agility guilt crept up too.  I keep getting to this point where I think I have reconciled all of these feelings, the intense desire to do agility with the dog I love, my dream dog even if he is knocking bars , versus the intense feeling of I want to be a mommy and nothing else so leave me alone.  Yet they swing in and out of balance every day.  Tomorrow and the next day will be worse.  I will be watching FB all weekend and possibly the live feed like I did last year, wishing I could have been there, wishing I could have just pulled more money out of savings and said screw it.  Are these feelings and shifts of feelings ever going to end?  It's not like I an facing some big insurmountable challenge like many of my friends are facing right now.  Why can't i make a decision and feel good about it?   I have picked so many people's brains lately about what to do, quitting versus not, being a mom and having a savings account versus doing what I love and have done for the past 13 or so years.  I know people are sick of hearing me whine, hearing me question, hearing me flip flop on my decisions.  My hubby is sick of me saying, I'm not teaching, yes I am, no I'm not, I'm trying a different format, etc, etc.  My friend are sick of it too but they love me too much to say shut the hell up:)  Anyway, here I am, wishing I had entered.  Need to plan something this weekend to get me out of the house and away from the computer.   Have a race on saturday morning but other than that, nothing.  Maybe a road trip to a little kansas town to explore is in order?  That always seems to make me happier.

On another note, I was finally paired with a kid yesterday in the IRUN4 program! This is a super cool program that pairs runners with kids that have disabilities. The runners post pics and updates to their kids and I am super excited about my pairing.  His name is Brady and he is 15 years old with the mentality of an 18 month old kid.  His problems are a long list of issues but he he has an awesome mom who adopted him at the age of 4 and takes care of him.  I can't wait to dedicate my runs to him and use him as motivation when I want to quit.  Like this morning. The alarm went off at 4:45 and I all wanted to do was crawl back in bed.  Then my BRF decide to run super fast and left me running all by myself in the pitch black dark.  But instead of going to that mental whiny place,  I just ran my pace, looked at the stars and thanked the Lord that I am blessed, am mobile and can get up and run every morning when others can't.

Okay enough now.  Doing 15 minute washes which gives me way too much time to think.  Need to turn my brain off for a while and just do:)