I have been filling out entry forms left and right and they are all piled on my desk. Yep, haven't sent any in and I just got a march show notification. Sigh. When I totaled up all i wanted to do and what I could do financially and still get all the things I wanted to for my family for christmas, it just didn't add up. I was not willing to sacrifice andrew's first christmas that he would really enjoy for the sake of me getting to go to a show. I am starting to face these dilemmas alot here lately and each time, I end up choosing more what is best for my family versus what is best for me and my wishes and desires. I for years was able to stuff down the "we can't afford this" thought process. We always manage to pay off our debt, no matter how naughty I can be with the credit card. I have always entered shows with cash, I have never done online entries unless it was a national event that I was worried about my entry being received, and I have always tried to have a roommate or camp for lodging. I have even slept in my van to cut hotel costs because I couldn't find a roomie. Heck I even slept outside in Nebraska in November for agility. Yes, I do get suckered in to buying stuff at shows (thank you four paws embroidery for 99% of my wardrobe) but I try to keep it in check. Now I feel like I have a whole new set of responsibilities that demand that I not be so frivolous, that I not spend so much money on the sport I love. It's tough, first I battled not wanting to be away from my baby and I now I am battling this sense of weird new financial thriftiness. It's odd to feel this way. Even about my fav venue in the whole world USDAA. I am kind of sad right now. Sad that it is too easy to make these decisions. If I ever get off of work, I will go for a run to clear my head.
I feel so whiny about all of this but I have been in this sport since 2000 and have put a lot of time effort and money into this sport. It is really a hard decision to take a break or walk away. I LOVE this sport. I have made some of the best friends doing this sport. I finally feel like deuce is the dog that i can do lots of awesome things with and meet a lot of awesome goals with. I am not going to lie, this is the very reason I had put off having kids. I knew that I would become very passionate about being a mom and wouldn't you know it, here I am getting all up in this mom thing. Part of being a mom is loosing one's self for the good of the child. I feel this part of me slipping away and I am fighting it big time. Everyone who knows me knows that I am a super passionate person. If it is dogs or the breed I love or the sport or rescue and now my kiddo, I put 110% into everything I do. So saying good bye to something I am so passionate about stings.
Not sure I am ready to say goodbye. Maybe just a break? Hopefully a mild winter and teaching again to get the business account filled back up. Just not ready yet.
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